Hexadecimal: The Spider Who Changed My Perspective


Yesterday I paid my first visit to my liver specialist, to see how I’ve been progressing since I left hospital in September, and things are looking so good that there may not even be a need for me to have a liver transplant. I half-jokingly asked if he still thinks I only have six months, upon which he grinned somewhat sheepishly and replied that actually no; he thinks I have a good deal longer. I intend to make that years longer, thank you very much: twenty-five more years would be nice. Perhaps even thirty.

This , however – whilst all-round good news – is not what I have come here to write about. I would like to talk about a tiny little spider named Hexadecimal, without whom I may not be here now – or would at least still be in bed, believing myself to be far sicker than I actually am. Continue reading

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The Veil: Death Changes You


The ValeTo all intents and purposes, I should be dead. I’m supposed to have died that night in August, when I haemorrhaged and was taken to A&E. I should have left hospital in a box – not in the passenger seat of my husband’s car, exhausted but alive.

Sitting in your living room admiring your tarantulas, being cuddled by your husband and eating your way through delicious meals when you found yourself unable to bear the thought of food due to your medical condition at one time really does serve to ram this one simple fact home.

I should be dead.

Death-bill-image-death-bill-36776552-400-224I have touched the very Veil; even parted it like a shimmering, ghostly curtain, and seen the other side – the Afterlife. Nobody is supposed to come back from that, and yet here I am. For reasons known only to the Gods, I have been given another chance. It is a very humbling honour that seems to be bestowed on only a few.

Knowing that you should no longer be of this earthly plane changes you. For me, waking up every morning and checking the weather is a miracle. It’s one more day on this beautiful planet that mustn’t be wasted – even if currently my main contact with the outside world is through the internet. I no longer touch alcohol, and I approach food with relish and enjoyment, as opposed to simply eating because I must. It’s a pleasure again. Every week I look younger and fuller in the face; every week I achieve something that I was unable to do even six months ago.

I take nothing for granted; every new day is a gift, as is whatever the day has to offer. I am planning an inexpensive, simple, teetotal Christmas and revelling in it. I shall be thanking my Gods, and making a toast to whoever donated their blood to save me. I wish the donors responsible could know that I’m here to enjoy another Yule because of them.

One other thing I’ve learned? Death isn’t to be feared; in fact, he’s rather a pleasant chap who obviously decided at the last moment that this isn’t my time.

Posted in Alcohol, Cirrhosis, Death, Health, Joy, Life, Liver, Second Chance, Survival, Teetotalism, The Real Second Life, The Vale | 10 Comments

Health: How The Train Stopped And The Nightmare Began


falling_angel_by_sugarock99-d48b5gn“Stay on the train”

That’s what he’s said to me every day since he had The Dream. “Stay on the train”.

The Dream:

He says we were on the train that crosses the Channel Tunnel. I became confused and alighted several stops too soon – then, as he searched for me, I disappeared from sight. I knew what the dream meant; I’d known for some time. Continue reading

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The Other End Of The Telescope


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWhen you look through a telescope you witness the entire world expanding. You can see past the horizon, or you can see planets hiding out among the stars that you are unable to see with the naked eye alone. Truly a wonderful invention.

Now take this very same wonderful invention and turn it the other way around. Suddenly, your sphere of existence narrows to a pinprick. No horizon, no stars, just… nothing. Just you, isolated and alone, unable to see what’s in front of you.

That’s very much how it is when a doctor tells you that your body is essentially disintegrating and that you are dying.

Oh don’t worry; I don’t plan on going anywhere yet. I was born with the Morris fight and the Knight fire flowing through my veins. I probably have a good 20+ years in me yet – it just might be a painful 20+ years. I’m used to pain and I’ll handle it like a trooper. I won’t let my Nan down and just give in. The genes I inherited are not healthy ones, and I’ve always known that. It was only a matter of time, really, before a doctor was going to deliver the news that my body is failing. Continue reading

Posted in Death, Illness, Life, Pondering | 3 Comments

A Visit To The Hospital


A&E“What happened to your eye?”

Excuse me? I’m here because I’ve been vomiting blood and you want to talk about my eye?

To do a quick rewind: I was put on Naproxen for the pain in my feet. Not only did it not help in the pain department, but mysterious bruises began to pop up all over my body.

Last Thursday I woke up, got out of bed and struggled down the stairs. The moment I sat down, Dom asked me what on earth I’d done to my eye. Well, I hadn’t done anything to it at all; I hadn’t fallen over, I’d not thumped myself in my sleep (which I am apparently quite prone to doing) and certainly nothing had happened to drive my glasses into my face. Continue reading

Posted in 2014, Accusations, Adapting, Attitudes, B12 Deficiency, Calcium, Disability, English Hospitals, Epilepsy, Hydroxocobalamin, Illness, Injuries, Naproxen, Pain, Vitamin D, Vitamin Deficiencies | 10 Comments

It Started With A Twitch


AtosMy doctor’s eyebrows shot up considerably when I mentioned that I was used to Restless Leg Syndrome. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember – that itching, burning, tickling, almost-pain coming from inside my limbs – and so I couldn’t quite fathom the possible significance of this. I would soon find out. Continue reading

Posted in Blood Tests, Health, Ongoing Illness, Vitamin D | 6 Comments

On Your Birthday


GrandmotherWithout you, I wouldn’t be the person I’ve become. Without you, I would have a very different view of the world. Perhaps I would not be so kind, or so fond of Nature. Perhaps I would have grown up selfish, as opposed to selfless. Financially I would definitely be richer had I never witnessed kindness and compassion such as yours, but my life would have been so much poorer for not having that warmth of heart and the kindness of soul that you taught me to own and use. Continue reading

Posted in Birthdays, Death, Family, Loved Ones, Nan, Open Letter | 5 Comments

Me And The Girls; Book Clubbing


BarooshWelcome to Baroosh, the city centre tapas bar which is perfect for friends, colleagues and groups of like-minded people to meet up, chat, have nibbles and get tipsy enjoy a drink or two. You can always tell which table the book club is occupying; it’s the largest, noisiest one in the place and there’s often a blonde wearing a hat (that would be me then). Hats are useful for when I’m under the weather and can’t really tend to my personal appearance.

Well, that’s how it used to be anyway. Continue reading

Posted in Baroosh, Book Clubs, Chelmsford, Disappointment, Food, Group Meetings, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

And He Learned


Missus Tribble:

I will blog something soon, I promise (I actually have a draft lined up) but I saw this and had to share.

Originally posted on Rant Against the Random:

When he noticed the naked little girl at the beach didn’t look quite like he did and asked why, they answered his questions in simple phrases painted in black and white, pink and blue, and tradition. And he learned that boys and girls were different.

When one of the neighbor kids painted his nails, they got angry. That wasn’t something boys did. And he learned that there were different rules for boys and girls, and that breaking those made people upset.

When he was handed down a pink bike from his cousin, they replaced it with a blue one, because they didn’t want him to be mocked for having a “girly” bike. And he learned that being girly was something to be mocked.

When he cried, they told him to be a man. And he learned that crying, and being not a man, was something less.

When he was being picked…

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My loves, my students, my teachers, my friends…


Missus Tribble:

I disappear for a while through ill-health, and this happens to one of the loveliest, most loving, honest people I can name. Thinking of you Rara and Grayson both during this time xxx

Originally posted on rarasaur:

Back when I first started blogging, the Daily Post issued a prompt: You have the chance to write one last post on your blog before you stop blogging forever. Write it.

I wrote a reply, then, back in November of 2012, and looking back now– though it was cute and somewhat different than the other replies– it showed a total lack of understanding.  I can’t imagine leaving something so trite for y’all now, not when you’ve done so much for me and added so very much to my life.

Today, I am writing my last post. The tears are slowing me down, and my hands are shaking, but I am borrowing your strength as I try to get to the important parts.

Of course, nothing is certain.

If there’s one thing you learn in the ‘sphere, it’s that.  Ideal couples get divorced, terminally ill people live long fulfilling lives…

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