So, like the well-prepared little person I’m not (and I really am not – you only have to ask my sister) I raided Amazon and came up with some essential goodies. A mixing bowl, cake tins, storage tins, a few books on baking and one on icing (I’m doing fondant icing for D’s birthday cake next month and need some pointers).
Truly, I detest supermarkets. Whose idea was it to build enormous places full of food and allow people to run riot in them? Why don’t shopping trolleys come equipped with indicators? Would your average Half Asleep Dimwit (do they invade all local supermarkets, or do they just live in mine?) even know what the flashy-blinky light thingy actually meant, if trollies posessed them? The individual who ran over my foot wouldn’t have noticed if I’d grabbed a wet trout from the fish counter and whacked him with it. But that’s a horrible way to treat a poor defenceless dead thing (I mean the fish, not the Half Brained Numpty). I don’t care if I forgot half of what I need for D’s birthday cake (and I almost certainly did) because I am never going to Sainsbury’s again! Unless there’s a shiny new tarantula in it for me as a reward, or Johnny Depp has been spotted in the whisky aisle without his horrible whiny fiancee tagging along. No. Nuh Uh. A night with The Blobbendales would be more appealing than another hour in Sainsbury’s.
Anyway. Bread. Yes. For this you need the following:
A Hairy Baker and her mixing bowl.
There, that should do it!
Throw Stuff into mixing bowl and, um… mix together until you have sticky gloop. Wait twenty minutes, then remove the sticky gloop from your bowl and pummel the crap out of it for twenty minutes. Apologise to it, then wait an hour and a half until you have this:
Throw it around some more, until you have a basic bread shape. Sculpt a willy on it and see if anybody notices (they didn’t).
Shove it into the oven after maybe about an hour of letting it grow, and you end up with something like this:
And here we have it – my first ever attempt at bread! I used a very basic recipe and am excited to learn more techniques, but – given that I’ve never made a loaf of bread before in my life – I’m really very pleased with this.
I think that, next time, I’d like to sculpt it so that it’s rounder and taller, but this will be a welcome accompaniment to D’s homemade soups. Or stew. Or maybe I could just break a hunk off, smother it in lovely butter (I’m enjoying dairy produce again, now that I know I was never lactose intolerant in the first place – but that’s another story for another time) and eat it with a mug of cocoa if we run out of crumpets.
In short (too late!) I feel that this is far more productive than nursing a bottle of wine and swearing at the TV. More kitchen shenanigans shall follow!
Which reminds me; the batch of red cabbage I pickled before Christmas is the best I’ve ever done. Probably because I remembered the spices this time.