It’s always so very wonderful to travel back to my home town to visit my son, my mother and my sister. I look forward to it every time, as we always use the same amazing guest house, we always get to meet up with at least one friend and I get a good update on my son’s progress (and marvel over how much taller he is now) whilst spending time with him.
However, I do have anxiety issues due to the autism and the epilepsy. What if I unwittingly say something inappropriate to one of Dom’s friends? What if I have a seizure in public? Saturday night, out with Dom’s best friend and his lovely wife, was not the first time that I’ve found myself in a toilet cubicle bringing up everything in my stomach because I was so wound up. I don’t really know C and L (although they are both lovely, and L and I discovered a mutual love for Doctor Who while the men were talking about cars and computers). Because we were out in a wonderful pub right next to a private aeroplane runway it was the first time I’d really had a chance to speak to L (she has four children – the two youngest being twin boy and girl) and she is lovely. C is our best man, and various plans had to be made as well as simply having a drink and a giggle.
In short, I can never truly relax when I’m away from home – even though I adore spending time with family and friends, and we’re so familiar with the guest house after four years that it’s like a second home to both of us. It’s always a blessed relief to me when we roll back up outside Tribble Towers. Our home.
When I unlocked the front porch and inside door on Sunday, and stepped inside… I was immediately comforted by the smells of Home created from all the years together with Dom. Houses pick up and absorb scents over the years and, unless you’re gone a long time, they retain them.
Standing in the hallway I could still smell the fresh batch of onion jam that I made last week so that I could give some to my sister. The bedroom – although empty for a couple of nights – still gave off “our” scent and the living room smelled welcomingly of books and upholstery.
Outside in the garden purple, white and yellow Crocuses are blooming. The Corkscrew Hazel is alive with Catkins and small Tete A Tete Daffodils are sprouting underneath it. One of my Bleeding Hearts has begun to poke tendrils out from the soil, curious to find the sun, and my newly-planted Redcurrant Bushes appear to have settled well.
Along with the smells and the wonderful surprises in the garden, there was all of our familiar Geek Clutter; believe me, when you get two sci-fi geeks – one of whom is into computers and another of whom is into plushies, collecting memorabilia, preserving and sewing – together, that makes for a lot of clutter.
When I am away from home, I’m completely lost at sea. I feel as though I’m fighting giant waves, being tossed about and buffetted around by a strong storm. I am at my most likely to suffer a seizure or some kind of autistic meltdown.
I love visiting my son, but I can only ever be happy at home; in Tribble Towers, with Dom, in the town that I have adopted.
At least I was able to put on my PJ’s, climb into our lovely comfortable bed and watch Top Gear with Matt Smith (Eleventh Doctor) on Sunday evening. I enjoyed that immensely!
I understand the sense of feeling lost when you’re away from home for an extended stay, even though my reasons are different than yours. And your description of Tribble Towers seems so inviting! A place to rest and flourish indeed!
I know what you mean about homecoming. Even when I’m thoroughly enjoying my time away, the feeling of stepping inside my home again is so relieving and relaxing. I find it difficult to get to sleep in strange beds (even at the B+Bs which we’ve used for many years now) which adds to a feeling of unsettledness.
I can sit down at the computer and be familiar again with the various bits and pieces on the bench around me, or at the radio bench and hear the familiar sounds of the various radios tuned to half a dozen different frequencies up and down the airwaves.
I am the same with smells too; each room has its own scent. I have a hypersensitive sense of smell, so I notice the slightest change in a room’s aroma, such as a lingering smell from yesterday’s cooking, or a burnt smell when one of us has been doing some soldering, or the smell of the wet grass outside when it’s rained, even though the windows are closed.
I know how you feel. When I’m anywhere but my own home or my sister’s house, I feel really out of place. I hate “visiting’ people because I’m so uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t even know how to sit right at someone else’s house.
My brother said it well sometime back. We grew up in an abusive home and despite being invited to a friend’s house for an overnight stay every so often, it was still more comfortable to be at home. He said, “At least we knew what to expect at home. I never knew how to act or what NORMAL was when I was anywhere else”! That is still true for me today. I’m comfortable in my own element. Comfort is what we are familiar with, what soothes us and brings tranquility. Nice post, dear friend!
I love my home too just like you it is the only place I feel really safe in, even if I am in on my own! XX