What comes to your mind when you view this picture? Do you think of a good pub or restaurant with friends? Do you imagine biting into that salad and sipping that wine, blending the flavours together into a perfect marriage that flows across your palate? Does your mouth water and make you want to go and create this dish?
I imagine it does all those things for many people, but for me it doesn’t.
Over the years I have been accused of alcoholism. However, it isn’t alcohol that is the problem for me. It is, in fact, food.
I suffer from EDNOS – Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. One of the disorders that cannot be seperated from Anorexia or Bulimia and does not have a medical name of its own.
I wish to explain the links between ED and alcohol; why they almost always tie in and become a problem together. Not only do I wish to educate on this subject, but I want people to understand that those of us with ED do not wish to be the way we are. We would love a normal appetite, and to be able to enjoy a simple glass of wine with friends.
I am also, maybe most importantly, writing this for me. Perhaps, if I can write everything down so that I can understand the monster I’m fighting, I shall be better able to fight it.
There is a lot more to any ED than simply not eating. Fear, guilt and anxiety are all taking up residence in the brain. Fear of being sick, guilt because you already weigh plenty (which, as we all know, is usually not the case) and anxiety at the very idea of eating.
This is why a lot of people mask their ED with alcohol, and why a lot of people mistake a person’s ED for alcoholism.
When I get up in the morning I do not reach for a wine bottle for breakfast; I just want toast and tea. However, I only have the tea because my brain is already explaining all the reasons to me that I mustn’t have the toast. I’ll bloat up; I’ll be sick; I’ll put on at least three pounds. None of which is true – I know that – but by then I’m anxious enough that eating toast would indeed make me sick. I feel the emptiness in my stomach… and feel proud of myself for not giving in. If I’m overwhelmed by the emptiness (and subsequent pain) I drink water.
By mid afternoon my body is yelling at me to feed it sugar and energy. I could have another cup of tea and a sandwich, just as I always used to do, but the very idea fills me with horror. So I reach for the wine to soothe the sugar craving and kill the guilt and anxiety caused by the knowledge that I even considered eating. I don’t want the wine and I don’t crave it; I just want something in my stomach to make those hunger pangs go away.
I continue to sip wine throughout the afternoon and evening after that, to stop my body shouting at me for food – I have to drown out the pain in my empty belly and the noise inside my brain. No, I don’t hear voices; it’s a mental feeling as opposed to some kind of aural hallucination.
I don’t go out with Dom or with groups any more if I know that food will be involved. I will be the first to ask for wine and the last to order a meal; once that meal is ordered I become anxious at the idea of eating it, so I drink more and have to force the food when my meal arrives.
I will leave it as late as possible to eat a few small mouthfuls of something before declaring myself tired and going to bed. I drink slowly and steadily and so I’m not ever drunk, but I’m still always aware that I should have been eating instead and that my brain is forcing me to destroy my body, breaking it down and weakening it just a little more each day.
So I go to bed feeling guilty about drinking, and I wake up feeling guilty for wanting food. By the time I actually am begging Dom for a bowl of soup I can feel my stomach trying to eat itself out and the pain is utterly excruciating.
And yet I love food. I love food with an amazing passion. I watch cookery shows by the dozen; I love the bright bejewelled colours in a green salad, and my mouth waters as the juices flow from a carved venison. I want to taste those foods, enjoy the feel of them in my mouth. I love to watch the creation of new and fascinating recipes that I’ve never seen before.
I want to be able to sit down with Dom to a beautiful dinner – be it at home or in a pub – and enjoy a glass of wine on the side. I would like for that to be it until a nightcap before bed. I do not like the fact that I have to quell the anxiety with wine before I dare to put even half a slice of pizza in my mouth.
I long for a normal, healthy eating pattern and appetite. I long for the day that I will be there – because I will be there eventually. I have enough love and emotional support surrounding me to do it, but it’s almost as though I’m on a speeding merry-go-round. I want so desperately to get off, but it won’t stop spinning. Eventually I think I will be able to throw myself off it, as long as there are people there to catch me. And there will be.
Next time you see an otherwise healthy-looking person drinking alone and/or heavily, please don’t write them off as alcoholics. They may well be going through unimaginable pain and horror, and the problem is not the drink in their hand.
Congratulations on facing your “monster” with the intention of helping others. Sounds like you are taking the steps you need to move forward. With serious problems like these, often it’s helpful to reach out for help to a qualified mental-health professional. I hope if you need that help and support that you will seek it. Asking for help shows strength, not weakness. Sending you positive thoughts and energy as your move towards recovery.
Thanks Hanna; I know this is a very triggering subject for some and so I try not to talk about it much, but on the other hand I need to be able to honestly chart my progress and people also need to understand the ED/alcohol link – which has nothing to do with actual alcoholism.
My GP is aware of the issue and did actually refer me to an eating disorders team, but somehow his request never got through. I’ll be speaking to him again next time I see him (which will be soon as he likes to keep an eye on my rather poor health).
Discussing this issue certainly takes courage. Thank you for sharing, and I wish you the best in overcoming your ED.
Thank you so much, Marc. This has been a twenty year struggle for me so far and it hurts me to see the pain in Dom’s eyes when I don’t eat – it has to stop. All these years it’s been swings and roundabouts; sometimes I’m fine and other times – like now – I just can’t face the idea of food *or* fighting my issue.
I know I must though, and if my blog can help somebody else to recover then that’s an added bonus
OH! Rose what can I say. That is so awful, so sad I hope this not coming over as condensing! I have not heard of your condition but I really sympathize with it. I swing towards eating disorders thank God I seem to cope . I do know what you mean about the brain nagging away and making me guilty for even looking at food. Thank you for bringing EDNOS to my and your readers attention. I am sending you support and love ..you need to eat at your wedding I shall pray for you too if that will help………………
It’s been a problem for 20 years now. Mostly I’m in control of it, but lately it’s taken control of me. My GP has already made a referral to an eating disorder team but it didn’t reach them, so now we have to try again.
Thank you for your love and support – they mean a lot x
I do hope something will be done soon I get so angry when hospitals or Drs lose our letters we are people not numbers we are not just messing around having fun we are begging for help!! Sorry to get angry but I am on your side and rooting for you . By the way did you see my second reply to your your reply to me on Cross-Stitch Link-Up…phew that was a line and a half!
xx
My thoughts are with you!!
Given the state of Royal Mail it wouldn’t surprise me at all if my GP’s referral never reached them. Recently a fax from my epilepsy nurse didn’t go through because the hospital was having “technical issues” so nothing shocks me any more!
Yes, I did get your reply on my other entry; cross-stitch is really very easy to learn. You can buy books about it from charity shops and markets, and offcuts of aida from sewing shops. I personally favour Amazon and eBay for most of my supplies, as I can’t get into town alone and our sewing shop has very little of interest to me other than DMC threads anyway
You write well and I admire your courage. It takes great strength to look this in the face and seek treatment. The roots of ED are deep, and I am glad that you are seeking treatment. The treatment is a process and can sometimes be difficult and long. Stay the course. You are worth it! There is a good book called Living Without Ed that may help. I work with individuals with eating disorders and can relate to your post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you very much for stopping by and leaving me such kind words. So many people don’t seem to understand that people like me aren’t purposely starving themselves and actually have a psychological illness, and I would like to put that right.
I shall look out for the book you suggested – thank you
I think you should talk to your GP to try the referral route again.
You know a lot about this though, and you can see it happening to yourself. Isn’t that a huge part of the battle?
Yes, that’s a huge part of the battle. The trouble is that it doesn’t really matter how knowledgable you are on the subject, or how aware you are of what you’re doing to yourself – you try to stop but can’t and so you have to keep throwing this information back at yourself as a reminder of what you’re trying to deal with. It seems that the only way to push myself towards a solution is to constantly frighten myself with words that I am forced to read back to myself because I have written them.
I have some minor issues that I want to speak to my GP about anyway, and so I’ll be bringing this up with him too. He’ll ask anyway
Wow, a very down to earth piece. I can definitely relate to the sugar desire in the afternoon. I have felt that way at work & had a drink as soon as I got home. However, I cannot relate to not eating. After drinking, I have a big appetite and I overeat, which I detest.
You seem really in touch with yourself here. I really hope you can sort things, change them, or do what needs to be done to change them. It is so true, and I do so know, that some people live hell inside themselves on a daily basis – while all else is normal around them. I used to not be able to eat in public, & would eat in the toilets at work. Could NOT put food to my mouth in public. What hell that was… People would have had no idea.
Congrats on being so in touch, and sincere best of luck.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Noeleene. It’s certainly true that not everybody “gets it” – that you can’t simply tell a person with ED to eat. If only it were that simple! There have been so many times when Dom has put a small meal in front of me, and I’ve felt my stomach shrivel and recoil in protest – and then I’ll panic and start to cry. It doesn’t matter if I feel hungry or not, it just happens. So I end up with physical agony along with feeling sick with hunger, but all it does is drive me to bed where I convince myself (knowing it not to be the truth) that it’s just some stomach bug I picked up.
My doctor feels that I have certainly got a good handle on my triggers and my reasons and the fact that I drink only so I don’t have to eat. This ought to be a good strong lever as I progress with an eating disorder team.