I’ve been writing creatively ever since I was a small child. I love it. I love entertaining people.

Four years ago somebody on a forum was begging for somebody, anybody, to write a Doctor Who/Red Dwarf crossover fic – and so I took up the challenge.

Earlier I mentioned meeting Robert Llewellyn – Kryten from Red Dwarf. A fellow blogger expressed their love for Red Dwarf – Kryten in particular – and so I promised to share.

Here it is; Rise Of The Krytermen:

Characters: Tenth Doctor and Lister

Synopsis: After Lister smegs up on Red Dwarf, he commandeers the TARDIS from the Doctor, who turned up just in time to save him, and discovers the most bizarre planet in the universe.

Rise Of The Krytermen

Somewhere, far away in a lost galaxy, a small blue box was spinning in space. It appeared to be out of control.

Inside, the Doctor was frantically trying to pull his new companion away from the controls.

“Will you please stop that? We’re going to crash! If you want to play war games go and crash your own ship!”

His companion laughed and pushed crazy dreadlocks away from his face.

“I already did that, man; how do you think I ended up here? Eh, what does this button do?” The companion had pressed it before the Doctor could move; from the console popped up a slice of Dalek-shaped toast. “Toasted Daleks? Awesome, man. Does this thing do baked Sontaran heads too?”

The Doctor sighed inwardly. This latest companion was the most annoying, useless piece of sub-humanity he had ever encountered in his lives.

“Not in curry flavour, Lister, no. There is nothing on this TARDIS that is even remotely curry flavoured… apart from your armpits possibly. Do you even know what a shower cubicle looks like?”

“Aww come on, man. You sound worse than Rimmer! Nothin’ wrong with curry. Anyway, what was I doing?”

Lister was back to playing with buttons and levers on the console. Before the Doctor could pull him away the TARDIS jerked violently and suddenly began to plummet. What had Lister done? Where were they even going?

“Smegging brilliant, man! It’s like bein’ back on the Dwarf; just without the annoying computer. Hold tight, Doctor, we’re going in!”

The Doctor did indeed hold tight; what else was there left to do? “I have a monkey on the loose in my ship and now we’re going to die” he thought to himself.

This thought was lost in a sudden huge bump as the TARDIS crash-landed and thudded along the surface of an unknown planetoid. As it ground to a halt the Doctor picked himself up from the floor and was hit in the face by one of the slices of Dalek toast that were popping uncontrollably out of the console. Lister had broken the TARDIS; well wasn’t that wizard?

The Doctor decided that they might as well see where they’d landed.

“All right then Lister, let’s see where you’ve managed to crash-land us. Come on, chop-chop.”
Lister and the Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS and slowly took in their surroundings. This was a populated planet! There was grass, and there were trees and buildings and distant figures moving about.

But something about this planet was not quite right.

The grass was mowed to perfection; the buildings were glistening; every tree was perfectly pruned and there wasn’t even the smallest trace of litter. Where were they?

“Eh up Doc, I think we’ve been spotted.”

The figures they had spotted in the distance were coming slowly towards them. Some were marching uniformly while others exhibited an odd, jerky gait. Some were formed of metallic, glistening perfection, while others looked as though they might have been designed by a drunk using a frying pan as a chisel.

All of them appeared to be supporting some form of attachment extending from their torsos; in the other hand they appeared to be waving… what was that?

They were all waving feather dusters. And they were chanting; as they neared, the Doctor could hear chanting.

“SMEEEEEEE. SMEEEEEE. SMEEEEE.” It seemed to be a word they couldn’t quite finish; it seemed to just jerk to a halt before it could leave their mouths.

“Doc? What are they saying?”

One of the less elegant mechanoid figures wobbled up to them and spoke.

“Ah. Greetings, gentlemen. May we offer to fix your machine? Or how about a cup of tea?”

The Doctor boggled. He wasn’t used to aliens offering him a nice cup of tea. At least, not of their own free will.

“Um. Yes, yes, tea would be lovely thank you. And if you could repair my TARDIS… thank you.”

One of the mechanoids opened a door hidden in its chest. Producing a perfect cup of tea it wobbled over and handed it to the Doctor, whilst others of the battered looking machines wobbled into the TARDIS.

Only the glistening beings of metallic perfection remained standing in front of the Doctor and Lister. From behind them came the sounds of expert repair work. Glancing around the Doctor saw one of the battered mechanoids poke its head out from the door of the TARDIS.

“Begging your pardon, sirs; but is your ship supposed to make this Dalek-shaped toast that it keeps offering me?”

Lister swaggered forwards.

“That was my idea man; I fitted a Talkie Toaster inside the control panel – how cool is that eh?” Lister grinned broadly.

“Well, errr… yes, very clever of you Lister. But,” said the Doctor, once again addressing the mechanoid, “could you please take it out? I don’t like toast.”

“Of course, sir. As you will.” The machine waved cheerfully and disappeared back inside the TARDIS.

This was the strangest situation the Doctor had ever been in. Aliens offering cups of tea and waving feather dusters and offering to fix his TARDIS didn’t even appear in his more bizarre dreams.

His mouth hung open in astonishment as he stared at the silent metal creatures in front of him. None of them moved. He realised that the attachments extending from the torso of each were… well, they looked like vacuum cleaner attachments. But why? And what were they planning to do with those feather dusters – tickle their enemies to death?

Finally he was able to ask the important question that needed asking.

“Well… this is all very kind of you – and this is a lovely cup of tea – but there’s one thing. Who are you?”

A silver machine marched forward smartly.

“We are the Krytermen. Please enjoy your stay on our world while we repair and clean your ship. Perhaps another cup of tea? Or would you like us to give your pet a bath? It looks as if it needs one.”

Lister stepped forward.

“Oi, I’m nobody’s pet. I’m Lister of the mining ship Red Dwarf thank you very much.”

Suddenly the machines became actively excited. They stepped forward and saluted Lister.

“You are Lister, God of the Krytermen. We have long awaited your return.” They surrounded him, and feather dusters waved around frantically.

“Wait, wait, I’m not a smegging God! What are you doing with those feather dusters? Doctor, HELP!”

The Doctor chuckled loudly as Lister received his reply.

“YOU WILL BE POLISHED, AS BEFITS OUR GOD LISTER SMEGHEAD.”

© G. Wright 2008